Showing posts with label I have issues. Show all posts
Showing posts with label I have issues. Show all posts

15.7.13

hospital welcome

static seizes. wind sweeps a low hum of ants to crawl electric.
shock on cotton sheets wraps its steady hold. choke hold on
physique. frail outline, there's a future lifeline dripping into me. IV
grips like a scorned lover.
i should know.

scream as
reckless, high on organs belting gory. and yet, there's light
throughout the body. somewhat of a moon awakening probing
me out to breathe.

nesting dolls reminiscent, i keep coming to parts. there's 3 of my heads and
where are my legs? this manic fury takes to dance. i would cut the chords to
end their saving, but the nurse polishes ready, and my hands have
abandoned. i wonder
does she beast with her life the way
she forges into mine.

nourishment to survival with its tyrant entry, too loud for cures,
flooding in the same manner of illness,
boastful, arrogant with hell to raise. it tastes a menace to swallow each dose.

so what comes after medicine and the depravity of
suicide.
is this the exhalation of will, or one to lies:
where faith gives
its bitter hand, is it better to come to the sun's promise of
burning bright tomorrows' and the return of the
sweetest skies. or do i
lay down to the shackles of familiarity. that which holds so
loyally.

Persephone was damned to the throne, in the shadows'
of Pluto's desires. to rebirth! the selfish
cries of duty, my living, is a life of commodity.

to leave this refuge of hope -
i have a thousand tries waiting, for nothing is as loud
as a next episode. 

23.10.12

without sane


frostbite came early today. i spent my morning mourning leftover feelings from the last few weeks. mind trips i've had where i've wanted to leave everyone behind. kick everything out of my life and move to a more empty space. even emptier than it is now. i was up. i was down. i was brimming with energy and 10 minutes later i was ready to cry. i was hanging off a chandelier with barely any strength and i found myself yearning for a shoulder to possibly beat. somewhere at around 9 i took a shower and de-stained. cleansed. now i'm okay. i await the next episode to hit. i'm sure it will.

30.9.12


  • am i selfish for wanting to end my life
  • who does it belong to and who do i owe my survival to?
  • a woman set herself on fire to end her pain. 
  • how selfish are you to want a person to hold on just, one, more, bit.
  • hold on so you can feel comfortably at ease a life you hold no control over continues
  • are you shredding your insides
  •  some people are too far gone. they want to be gone. what more is there.

7.7.11

Two sided little girl

Here we are again. Another time around to pick up all the pieces…all the tiny pieces of her that broke apart. Her heart doesn’t break; her heart is on ice. It is someplace I can’t reach somewhere between the frozen peas and popsicles it waits; waiting for someone worth breaking over. It’s not her heart but her face that crumbles, when she looks at me and asks me why?

All I can do is start gluing the cracks in her perfect face. Maybe I’m just not good enough at putting it back together, because each time the pieces are getting smaller and smaller and harder to find. Because this time the sparkle which is normally located in the upper right hand corner of her pupils has gone missing…and I just cant seem to find it.

It won’t be long now before a new and exciting man strolls into her apartment…her life…her heart. It will start the same -Oh no, were just friends- Dont worry, were just fuck buddies- Yeah were dating, but its casual. But eventually…eventually it’s more. So I will assure her it will work out when she comes to me in tears. And I will tell her they will make a cute couple when she seems insecure. 

I’ll grin and bear it when I hear about how great the sex is. I will sit back and wait hoping for the best even though it kills me. I learn to love them because she loves them. Wanting to hate them but not being able to because they make her happy. Knowing I am just a little girl that could never fulfill or complete her…and maybe it’s masochistic to keep trying…but I guess that’s just the way of things.

17.6.11

I would take physical pain over emotional pain anytime of the day.


This - this right here, is indescribable.

14.5.11

This is depressing. This is me.

Hope has given me nothing but disappointment. It has led me nowhere and given me nothing but misery. Hope has given me the impression things will get better. That perhaps tomorrow will be a new day, things will somehow change.

But it never does. It's always the same feeling, the same battle, the war is never won & I am running low on ammo. I keep torturing myself with hope.

Sometimes I think it would be easier to just end it. People talk of heaven and hell. I'll tell you what hell is. Hell is this. Hell is life. It is being a prisoner inside your own mind. It is the feeling of wanting to be free, knowing you can never achieve that freedom. That is hell. At least, this is my hell. Peace comes later. Peace comes after it's all done. Heaven comes when you finally let go.