gemini

what does it take. how many days, weeks, months, years? how long does the silence drop. the heavy beat of the heart.

i could have fallen for anyone. i fell for you. we fell from the same. i let in to open myself. you are still you.

my love for you, it has no ends. no rationalizations. no lists. i cannot give reason, my love for you takes all reason. i see no hope for myself to rid of you. and all the hate, all the pull, it flicks like tongues on routes to climax.

what do you speak? who do you speak to? the songs of love i want to write to.
you. i kissed the words of vengeance, and held my breath to cleanse. i fought the slow unwinding of clocks to leave you.
here, i want to be with you.
here, all i want to do is run from you.

finality, the last of sense,

the last few months i was stuck with the final blow. this gut wrenching realization that there was never anyone here but myself. i was angry with you as i've been angry with everything. you were the object of my affection. and i mean that genuinely as i would have gone the distance if you allowed me to. and though you took advantage of my admiration, i really did become trapped in you the way I've been trapped in my own bitter hell for many years now. you were an empty satisfaction, fixated on destroying. and you fed me as easy as I destroy myself. so much of you was familiar and draining. the darkest part of something i could never unleash on anyone but myself. it's no surprise i stuck around.

///

and while he's off making love to his new life : I am crying over our old one. everything around me has consumed breath. how am i even walking, talking,

writing is the hardest. no word can splash around quite as deadly as a woman scorned. am i everything i once despised?
human nature does not ask for an apology so the only guilt i feel is caused by my own bed ridden thoughts. a collection of what is weak, and what is worthy?

am i a strong enough woman? what does it look like. question after question and all is flat. flatter than it was in the nighttime, when all i could hear was the backdrop of nails peeling.

i am no longer. and being strong can not do. can i be hollow for a moment? let me scream for myself. this egg shell white bedroom, a room inside another, and one within each other.

i assume this is madness.

hospital welcome

static seizes. wind sweeps a low hum of ants to crawl electric.
shock on cotton sheets wraps its steady hold. choke hold on
physique. frail outline, there's a future lifeline dripping into me. IV
grips like a scorned lover.
i should know.

scream as
reckless, high on organs belting gory. and yet, there's light
throughout the body. somewhat of a moon awakening probing
me out to breathe.

nesting dolls reminiscent, i keep coming to parts. there's 3 of my heads and
where are my legs? this manic fury takes to dance. i would cut the chords to
end their saving, but the nurse polishes ready, and my hands have
abandoned. i wonder
does she beast with her life the way
she forges into mine.

nourishment to survival with its tyrant entry, too loud for cures,
flooding in the same manner of illness,
boastful, arrogant with hell to raise. it tastes a menace to swallow each dose.

so what comes after medicine and the depravity of
suicide.
is this the exhalation of will, or one to lies:
where faith gives
its bitter hand, is it better to come to the sun's promise of
burning bright tomorrows' and the return of the
sweetest skies. or do i
lay down to the shackles of familiarity. that which holds so
loyally.

Persephone was damned to the throne, in the shadows'
of Pluto's desires. to rebirth! the selfish
cries of duty, my living, is a life of commodity.

to leave this refuge of hope -
i have a thousand tries waiting, for nothing is as loud
as a next episode. 

mood swings from 2010

+++ 12. 12. 10
low key, calm, at times anxious
unsure
unsatisfied

+++ 18. 12. 10.
passive aggressive,
masochistic,
ready to strip to you.
want to be naked.
prince charming :
come tear me apart

+++ 18. 12. 10
restless
want to break my nails
into pieces
i make myself sick
sick is the only comfort

+++ 19. 12. 10
complete
invigorated.
anything is possible
clashing with reality, of course, sets me
back...
but for now i live in a happy
convoluted place

no, you cannot love my heaviness. you cannot even handle your weakness.
and i think i'm going to be humming songs of regret about you
until i have enough vocabulary near me to compose
about love.
why did i chose your nothingness to give me hope? ...

i let go of past lovers and chained myself to a masochist
who fit the tragedies my mind concocts.
you were well fit for the part. you fed my misery
well.
well, where is our love now.

he was a cranium
he was a deity
he was damaged sex i never got to try on my body.
splinters, blisters; i have from harshness i ran straight into,
impeccable lifeline; yours i give back to the dead.
intimacy, chloroform; i imagine you an animal in ruins.
i should have bleached your mouth from playing
tricks with words you couldn't hold,
but i couldn't even get inside your heart.
you said you made space for me, but i think i was more
a validation for your masculinity.

he was a year of seduction,
a personal myth,
creaking and breaking through the
cracks, crawling up my walls
to store his own past.
you denied me space in your presence, you could not give me
distance either.
in the end, i killed us to preserve myself.

well. nothing is happening. there is no movement. no upward, no moving on. it's almost as if someone has glued me in one spot and in my head the days keep repeating themselves over and over, along with every little venom that comes with it.

without sane

frostbite came early today. i spent my morning mourning leftover feelings from the last few weeks. mind trips i've had where i've wanted to leave everyone behind. kick everything out of my life and move to a more empty space. even emptier than it is now. i was up. i was down. i was brimming with energy and 10 minutes later i was ready to cry. i was hanging off a chandelier with barely any strength and i found myself yearning for a shoulder to possibly beat. somewhere at around 9 i took a shower and de-stained. cleansed. now i'm okay. i await the next episode to hit. i'm sure it will.

i don't know anything, something, everything? i am all of it.

i'm watering a plant. or a planet. do you ever stop and breathe in someones vitality and yearn for their fullness, their body of work of life? i'm still watering a plant. i'm over-watering it. it's going to die, i think.

crimson blossom

i survived august. a few more days and i can rip open my curtains. i bought new tea today. the senses are delighted. crimson blossom herbal green tea. my mouth likes. my tongue is red. it dyes. it tastes like cherry Tylenol  but not bad. i am a kid. artificial dye. red #5. remember! i made pasta with calamari, and shrimp. i added in cheese at the end. melted. gooey love. and sprinkled parsley. parsley. why couldn't that have been my name . . . ?

i was at the anarchist book fair today. what a group of eccentrics. they're wearing their belts loose and studying your voice. i don't think mine belts loud enough, so who is going to hear me. they're tying themselves to all kinds of ideas that seem to tie them up. well, as long as your dreams remain, lovely. this man tried to sell me some coke. sweetheart, i'm trying to get off.

the cat keeps running away every time i want to hug him.
well, what a surprise. i think my foes have given me greater warmth. every lover is on the other side scoffing, but at least i had fun with the loud mouthed assholes. at least they gave me their time of day. what a pain it is to love someone who won't even acknowledge you.

i'm not feeding the cat tonight.
lessons he will learn.

I'll taste freedom one day.

she sinks to open arms of water ready to chew
through virginity. exhaling relief, inhaling a purpose.
as if to invite each bubble to roam free inside her.
to dance carefully, lungs as broken machinery,
but steady, to go to war.
body dangles for survival, and she killed her last chance.
trembles to waves.
splat.

Mad, mad little one.

What love I gave you formed from simple hello’s,
And what magic binded me to see what really
Lies behind those liar eyes.
Whose blessings did I count before I turned back around?
When time blew through me straight like an arrow, whose lips did i think of
Minutes before my end?
What love crossed my mind?

Black velvet succumbs you.
The hands that would protect
From deceit, those same hands cursing wildly,
Dangling your heart in the air.
My hands they are.
Rattling to bones your faith.

Thoughts of women present. Amour.
Envy strikes an avid psyche;
Sweet, the revenge I will take out on you.
Sweet are those lies you fed me full,
Down the drain with my gold.
Whose words will you speak of?
Just wait, You’ll watch me unfold.

Bodies on bodies like skeletons they pile.
Deadly roots drip from poisonous flora.
And when you bite, temptation will hold you.
And when you cry, I’ll run to your carcass
To mend and to protect.

What’s mine will always be mine.
Who else would kill just to receive you back?
Whose lips would kiss just to feel you quiver?
Not those prior, not those after.

+never knew the light was as crucial as water.

+never knew I could love without boundaries.