updates to use.

moving usually triggers terrible anxiety in me. this time not so much. sure, i hate packing boxes. and lifting? i weight 115 like you might as well strap me to death okay.
but, i recently went purging through messes of clutter accumulated because 'shit happens' and now i'm feeling lighter and this makes moving much easier because i only have what i absolutely need/want. back in 2012 i did a fabulous job of creating boundaries. i filtered what goes in, what comes out, and what stays as essentials.

i got hooked up with the realness and i'm moving out to a 1 bedroom soon.
step 1: smooth excitement followed by hell yes i'll actually have a bigger place. s/o to studios but when you have the opportunity to upgrade without breaking the bank uhm do so.
step 2: get my decorating together. i have watched too many interior design shows to /not/ put out something fierce with my budget. there's this amazing furniture boutique by the waterfront and i swear it calls out to me every time i walk past it. most of the prices in there are a bit wild, but i have found some great pieces that i can afford so holla @ the future. i just have to get through my obsessive hurdle of having everything fit into perfection. occasionally i go through this maddening spell of confusion where i don't know where anything should go & i start to cry because my curtains don't match my rug & shit flies up the handle. but i feel my anxiety has been kept under control in the last few months so i'm sure this time i can actually have fun & explore and really put out a home that screams my identity.
step 3: actually enjoy the fact that i'll have a bedroom. aka a sanctuary aka i'm gonna make it as peaceful and relaxing as ever. i want to walk into this room and feel as though it's hugging me from all the pollution on the outside. i want it to have clean lines and pretty smells. simplicity is the key here. i grew up with a cluttered bedroom. (my fault tbh) i did everything in my bedroom. slept, cooked @ times, did homework, watched movies. it was my go to room for everything & it was just overwhelming. no more of that.
step 4: life is happening. in a good way. for once. that's nice. celebrate with champagne. i'm literally okay with things right now. like today was kind of bad (cause hello mood swings) but i didn't dwell on it & i just took it easy with some tea. that's my goal for the upcoming year. take. it. easy.

k. shout - out to good feels & all ^^^^

yellow has always been good to me

yes. i went through a moment of stupid face, happy camera moment. i just wanted to show off my shirt to be honest, though i don't think you can really see it. it's yellow. bee yellow. hippie bourgeoisie chic as the tag said.

i don't look so bad when i'm semi happy. and so far this month i have seen some of that. despite the weather being crap, and my friends showing their true colors - i'm more than relaxed. 

i'm gonna take advantage of these days. really squeeze out however much i can from it and try to inspire myself for the future. as i know, unpredictable awaits. wallowing in pity has its place. an inspiring place even. wallowing in cheer might be even better.

well. nothing is happening. there is no movement. no upward, no moving on. it's almost as if someone has glued me in one spot and in my head the days keep repeating themselves over and over, along with every little venom that comes with it.

Key word.

You have to be very careful what you say to people. You may talk to them and feel as though you know, but do you really listen?

I wake up, and put on my favorite pair of jeans because they make me feel good. Shoes that I spent $250 on, such comfort for my toes. I do my laundry, and I change my sheets. I clean the house, and I cook. Every morning I put on Earl Gray tea because it soothes my soul. Madonna sings in the background and I strike a pose to Vogue. I will go out dancing with my friends, stumbling around in heels I can barely handle. In touch with my inner glam. I sip on beer and watch a movie I am not interested in to be in the company of someone who strokes my mind the right way. I want that connection that sparks.I go for walks almost every night in neighborhoods that aren't familiar. Adventure feeds. The neighbors know me, their pets sniff me. I just purchased my favorite moisturizer to keep my skin happy. I ended a friendship with a person who didn't deserve my time and effort. I have standards. I lost the love of my life, but I believed it was for the better. I am hopeful for the future. I am saving up money so that one day (hopefully sometime soon) I can visit back home and get lost in translation.

When I say I am trying I mean it. If I wasn't, I wouldn't be around to write all this.
I am trying, in my own way.
I deal with problems in my own way.
I express myself in my own way. Justifying my reasons, or trying to explain to someone who is on the outside is generally a waste of time. I wake up, that's effort enough some days. I cry hysterically and lock myself in my house for a whole weekend if I feel like it. If I want to be out of touch with the world, then I do. It's how I cope some days. It's also how I self destruct some days. I have moments of extreme hatred for every human being. Even ones I am close to. I don't want to see their faces, I don't want to smile, I don't want to talk, I don't want anything. SOME DAYS. But I try.
I have feelings and thoughts I can't always control.
Don't assume anything.