the ache of a chronic condtion

years ago when my mental illness was raring and i couldn't grasp any hold i thought physical pain would fare better than mental/emotional. i had no idea how wrong i would be.

i've recently been diagnosed with interstitial cystitis. which is basically a big name for experiencing the symptoms of a chronic UTI minus the infection. to be diagnosed with this disease you simply exclude all other possibilities. it is a guessing game until you figure you've come to the right conclusion. women's pelvic/urinary issues are often dismissed and managed with mediocre attention. i've been told my issue is 'in my head' 'it will pass over' 'i will just have to deal'

my bladder is sensitive. what that means to the regular reader is that the lining of my bladder which is supposed to protect from all irritants is broken down and anything i consume (be it foods, vitamins, medications, even water) can irritate and send my bladder and pelvic area into inflammation. i can range from functioning to bed ridden within hours. i can go 13-20 times a day to urinate or 5-8. i can have sudden bouts of urinary urgency or be able to hold back just fine for a couple of hours. i can have severe pelvic pain or light twinges of aches.

i can't eat anything acidic. preservatives and many additives in food bother me greatly. even water has to generally be more alkalizing than your regular tap or bottled. everything has changed for me the last 9 months and i have tried to live in denial for a bit. at first it seemed alright and i continued to eat what i wanted when i wanted. though i would feel a bit of bladder pressure and frequency i thought it had nothing to do with my diet. i was wrong. my doctors told me nothing. i literally had one who simply said "oh wow, yeah, i'm sorry" and then shrugged and said she didn't know and wished me a good day. i've been to the emergency room. i've been to after hour clinics, and urogyno specialists. i've been in 1 clinic so much the MA and i have become good buds.

the last 2 months have caught up with me and diet now makes a huge dent in my everyday functioning. self gratifying (masturbation and general penetration also gives me slight symptom flares hours or a day later). if i stray and eat something that's problematic i will feel the effects. the slight stinging in my urethra. the random twitch of pelvic ache. the frequency in my urinary symptoms increases and the day becomes a monster.

just yesterday i went to an art exhibit at the SAM. while i had a lovely time i was also in a lot of discomfort. my urinary symptoms were acting up and i went to the bathroom 3 times in an hour and a half. and a part of that time i even held it in for longer than i wanted to because i was in line to see individual art rooms at the exhibit. it was highly isolating and made my experience not as great as it could have been had my bladder been calmer. i have been taking supplements, but everyone reacts differently to this disease and there is no one size fits all approach so i am leaning in with caution and very few expectations. i wish to keep this under control but i honestly don't know where i will be months from now, or even years. hell, i don't know where i'll be tomorrow.

eating has become mechanic. i simply do to survive. food no longer holds a great enthusiasm or wander for me. everything is bland. everything has the potential to hurt. even foods i thought where on the safe list sometimes act up. it seems i am currently going through a flare and no matter what i eat i am not faring well. i hope to ride this out soon. at work i seem to function just fine. outside? i am falling apart. and so we keep on.

hospital visit no.5 (suicide crescendo)

listen to the drop of a maddening smile, like pins
in hush night.
where to, on the staircase,
splat forth
in desire.
free mind! look at me now daddy,
everything is mine to
stop and conquer.
laugh and surrender.

conversations on the sky - with my hands as the
firmest destroyer, we take past fight or flight. is this how life tastes at
the end of the chapter.
pupils' ruby horizon, convulsion clings to grasp what the
lungs no longer.
and so to weep.
I've trained to fight
survival.

come to, pulsation in lights, and
my head just wants a belly’s warmth to curl to.
wrap its solitude in bellowing
howls.

the freedom of fires’ escalation,
do not address me weak, nor bold.
take your rational spoons medication,
black tar on my skins’ hold -
and fill your selfish hope to its brink of finale.
there is no more for you to speak of.
not of my endless body.

Drugged.

lullabies in my head, never again, i am so gone. lullabies don't take me back, save me. not here yet, i am. sweet seclusion calls, not here yet. i'm not sure what smells right, but not the same. don't let them take me, not, no. i feel it in me, it's pulling its strings. and what are those metal noises conjoining? i almost died. so sweet when they told me. why lullabies. i had them with me. we were fine. i'm going to bed, there's here to find.

+ i am wearing the sun today on my shoulders. carrying a bouquet of flowers i ripped from my neighbors garden. i have stolen someone's innocence last night and today i feel like i am finally blooming from my sins.

Something out of nothing

• I feel the crimson wave about to hit me. 
• Naturally I am preparing for cramps that will overtake me mentally & emotionally. 
• But even more so physically. 
• Incapable & quite moody, I am pretty much cousin IT during those 4 days of wave surfing. 
• I should walk around with a sign that reads "warning, do not feed" - like an animal. 
• Wild jungle animal.
• Speaking of physically & emotionally overtaking - had my blood drawn on Monday - got pricked, bruised and bandaged. 
• Tests came back today normal. 
• Normal. 
• Normal do you hear that? 
• My mind sure doesn't. 
• The only thing I'm lacking in  is Vitamin D. It's at level 6 which according to the doctor is super low. Thankfully deficiency in Vitamin D is not something to cry about in your sleep.
• She gave me a prescription so soon I will be bursting w/ country fresh energy. Or something like that. 
• My blood pressure was high for the second time, but I attribute this to stress, anxiety and madness these last few weeks. 
• The doctor also wanted me to get checked out for depression & low moods. 
• I pass on that faster than vegetarians pass on beef. Let's forget that analogy, but I don't take medication to solve my emotional problems. 
• I take medication to solve the physical. 
• Bad pain, aches, migraines,cramps from mother nature, etc;