grandmother's wish

the sweetest of coffee brew feels like a
gentle mind to an insomniac. the lush encompassing
of fragrant berries, and as though i'm wearing
the clouds for drapery.

just last week i had five reasons to die. all of which in the end, kept me
alive. in its trunk bed of paralysis, the hope that carried with
it -
the laughter of my grandmother.

i am floored by her side, in memoriam, to adorn
this womanhood i once saw as burdens, and dance on -
once concrete tiles of revolutions, now, remnants of
the left behind. my duty,
i guess
i have no choice but to
life.

and who could carve a breath 
of a sculpture erupting, 
to gasp for life before 
the plunge to 
irreversible. 

hospital welcome

static seizes.
wind sweeps a low hum of ants
to crawl electric.
shock on cotton sheets wraps
its steady hold. choke hold on
physique, frail outline.
there's a future lifeline
dripping into me. IV heavy
grips the veins like a
scorned lover.
i should know.
cut my last chance at
survival, but they
wouldn't let me feast
on myself.

love will be my grave.
screaming banshee
high on organs.
stirred again, the light-bulbs chirp -
flashing rebellion on how
to survive.
nesting doll, the nurse polishes me ready. snake shed
skin.
this fury -
inhales on the remains loyally.
black coffee, smooth
hell to raise.
a collective of bodies
painted on me.
analysis
of me, my own, and battles
i cannot slip.
DNA strands - like a ribbon to the eyes
dangles copies of life to speak to, but
we march on.
my mars is indecisive,
though Pluto urges for rebirth.
sometimes, i celebrate the self.
sometimes, i razor through bone.

ego!
your vitamin for fools -
well played to a survival.
on behalf of your iron fist
hope wraps itself in velvet.
i found it, written on the back of my
spine.

don't you worry,

there are two ways this can all play itself out. 1. either i am in line for the biggest emotional draining since 2009. or 2. i am in a eerie comfortable place that has numbed me to the point of comedy. and from this comes healing.

hilariously, this is maddening. and i have no patience to sit around and wait for results. yet - i have to. of course. they say first it's calm, then it gets louder, and your emotional strength is tested by raging oceans of past guilt, regret, and heartbreak. i think my body, mind, heart, and mouth is exhausted from its own voice. i've mourned long enough and i've thrown temper tantrums the size of my ego. i do hope my calm has finally come. 
but tomorrow will tell me for certain.

Conversations with my therapist.

Are these plants real?

Wow this is a really comfy chair. I'm trying to decorate my studio, where did you buy this?

Your eyes are really pretty.

Oh I'm fine, it's okay.

No, I haven't thought about death today.

I did think about it last week.

No I'd rather not talk about it.

I don't know.

I don't know.

I don't know, maybe.

I don't remember.

I'd rather not.

Same time next week?