i thought i knew what pain was. but maybe i needed to be reminded that i was the bearer of my own.

i liked you.
i loved you.
i wanted you -
and i would have gone the distance in a heartbeat if you allowed me to. if i knew your adoration for me was genuine, and not just validation for your masculinity. i can't help but dig myself in deeper, wondering why not me? why wasn't i picked? you had to have known all along i was not the one in your mind or your heart. you had no intentions of turning this into a face to face reality. you were never going to grant me what i wanted, needed, or deserved. yet you never picked honesty as easy as you fed lies. at least with this truth there would have been dignity, and respect. that's a pain i can withstand.

i shared my words with a stranger. you disrespected my time. you had me on a platter for fucks sake. i hung onto your existence --- covered with blinders as though no one else was around me. tunnel vision made you seem so grand. it doesn't matter how many dates i went on or how angry i was with you. you were the culprit, but my favorite kind.

i am sunken low. though i'm not sure if i'm really angry at you or myself. i never did get to run my fingers on you. and maybe that's a good thing. the fall would have been catastrophic. there is something about rejection and idolizing the burn of trying over and over again until you come across the final slap. i just keep squeezing lemon into my cuts, relieving only what's left in memory. you gave me grand excuses, and i'm impressed with your ability to cover yourself so easy. Mr. too toxic to date, with his commitment phobic eyes and a burnt open heart. what a tired marquee that is. what a coward you are. i get it. it wasn't you. it was me. you're not incapable of letting anyone in. you're incapable of letting me in. i was never in your future. hell, you didn't even have me in your present. just a girl you tugged at until better came along. i never found a crime in disliking someone, but your repulsion in leading me on is unforgivable. i saw the way you talked to everyone. in comparison to me it was human. and by the time you came around with a decent attitude i was so caught in the past with resentment and hurt i couldn't see anything else. all it did was mock me.

and so i'm stuck with the final. the gut wrenching realization that there was never anyone here but myself. i was angry with you as i've been angry with everything. you were the object of my affection and though you took advantage of my admiration, i really did become trapped in you the way I've been trapped in my own bitter hell for many years now. you were an empty satisfaction. serves me right i guess for seeking companion fixated on destroying. and you fed me almost as poetically as i destroy myself. so much of you was familiar and draining. the darkest part of something i could never unleash on anyone but myself. it's no surprise i became addicted.

i only wish we could have connected at a better time in our life. my hands are clean with an apology. it's you who walks away with dirt that i will never take back. i do believe we could have had something really amazing if we wanted to. but you didn't. fool for love plays in the background of my awakening.

it's been a while. lingering thoughts still make their way, and some people, regardless of how badly they hurt me will always stay inside my heart. though not in the warmest parts.