2004. Sometime in the Spring. I was 16, in high school, and completely boiling.
I remember a specific date. Not the number, but the instance. I was going through a lot of conflicting emotions. Angst, sadness, emptiness. It was a terrible day. Actually, it was a terrible year. I felt inadequate, alone, scared.
Back then I used to walk a lot. No music, just the streets. I would leave the house to clear my head and that was enough to recharge me. I remember this particular day because it was one of the worst, and one of the best.
That day I went down to Lake Washington. I sat down on the steps by the water and tried to clear my head. I thought, okay, I just need a breather. 1 inhale, 2 exhale, 3 repeat. I remember closing my eyes and emptying every thought from my mind, every feeling, every ache from my body. It was more than what I was expecting. I remember hearing the waves, and each time they hit the edge of the steps - it was almost as if it was inside me. Hitting my lungs, but in a blanket sort of way. No suffocation. Does that even make sense? It was a weird moment, a beautiful moment. I don't know why I keep thinking about it. Although, maybe I do
On that day, in that year, in that season, I was still. Pure. As if my soul was lifted from my being. It wasn't just envisioning, I was feeling it happen to my body. Each wave hitting me, the intensity coddling, and freeing. In that moment - A higher state of consciousness. Meditative perhaps.
I was water.
Today I went down to the lake and tried to clear my mind, listen to what's around me, become it.
Never quite got it.
I don't know if I will ever experience that euphoric state again.