not in the mood to socialize. Not in the mood to talk about mundane things. Not in the mood to have to put on a show. it is what it feels like. Mentally exhausting. I have to put on my 'people' face.
After a while I need to recharge. Escape for a minute to be by myself. Listen to my music, read my favorite book. Do something in private. People don't always understand this. My mother especially. She continues to believe I have bad manners when I don't feel like coming out of my room to greet all the random people that come through our house.
She's different. She doesn't have to be on. She's always on. It comes naturally to her. Natalia & Leo understand me. They know that if they barge in my room and I am not smiling every 5 mins - it's okay. I am in my own bubble and they respect it. They let me be. Quiet, in the zone, in my own world. They don't question it and they don't make me feel bad for it.
I cut out on my friends yesterday because I just couldn't bare it anymore. When I'm not feeling it, I'm not feeling it. No amount of jokes, smiles, or talks about hot dicks in adorable clothes will get my mind to change. Not to mention the delirious state I'm in. Happy times are not for me right now. I'm not even going to fabricate it. It's too hard.
Back to what I was saying though. These next few days will be dark and gloomy and very private. I want it this way.