' Desolation' pencil art by ;;;; Dasha Pliska

without sane

frostbite came early today. i spent my morning mourning leftover feelings from the last few weeks. mind trips i've had where i've wanted to leave everyone behind. kick everything out of my life and move to a more empty space. even emptier than it is now. i was up. i was down. i was brimming with energy and 10 minutes later i was ready to cry. i was hanging off a chandelier with barely any strength and i found myself yearning for a shoulder to possibly beat. somewhere at around 9 i took a shower and de-stained. cleansed. now i'm okay. i await the next episode to hit. i'm sure it will.

+++

Purposeless floating. Lifelessness continues.

"Just give it some time" is not an option anymore, and when you don't value what you have, you have nothing. You are a robot. You are full of movement, and you take care of your responsibilities like everyone wants you to, but there is nothing at the core.

Surviving.
I mean, that's what everyone wants me to do. For what though? I am surviving only to eventually die? I am surviving only to eventually move in to a nursing home? What am I surviving for? Death is certain. I am miserable. Everyday. It's a struggle. I try, and I put on my pretty people face and I put on my trendy clothes and I walk and I work and I buy things. I pay my taxes, I recycle. I live as far as I can.

Contradiction.
I think the only time I am truly happy is probably when I'm sleeping. Though I never feel it and I don't remember my dreams