thought,

so how do i carry on a conversation with someone who keeps tugging at my gut. that feeling of something isn't quite right. yet. that feeling when you're restarting an interaction with a man who completely tore you apart effortlessly and yet, here you are, trying to be-friend and catch up on life like nothing happened. that feeling of, i want us to work out, but you're still making me feel uneasy.

where do i start, and how do i start it.
knowing his constant need to retreat the moment his fragility gets brought out into the open.

i feel
i feel
i feel
to analyzing degrees
of hell.

i can be at my most charismatic to charm the pants (literally - figuratively if you want it PG) of someone i want, but do i even want to set myself in this trap again. my weariness comes as no shock, as time and time again i have been burned by this human being whose words float aimlessly in the air with nothing to grasp to.

is it an air of mystique to him that clouds me, or is this smoke and mirrors to watch out for. this interpersonal dance of irregularity and wonder. knot muddling aches in the stomach as though i am trying to untangle wires. i have a lot of energy to spare, and while most of it is focused on work matters, i would like to spend the rest of it with people who compliment my life goals, not compete by thwarting me into a constant flux of worry, assessments of 'what are we', and inaccessibility.

i am walking on coals.