the last few months i was stuck with the final blow. this gut wrenching realization that there was never anyone here but myself. i was angry with you as i've been angry with everything. you were the object of my affection. and i mean that genuinely as i would have gone the distance if you allowed me to. and though you took advantage of my admiration, i really did become trapped in you the way I've been trapped in my own bitter hell for many years now. you were an empty satisfaction, fixated on destroying. and you fed me as easy as I destroy myself. so much of you was familiar and draining. the darkest part of something i could never unleash on anyone but myself. it's no surprise i stuck around.