how can i give my loneliness the expression it deserves. never the right words despite an abundance to pick from. and maybe that's because i have so many of them present in my mind simultaneously i can't organize in time for them to fulfill. they swerve and crash into one another as i run after them furiously. too strong a hold on control and my words spill.
my loneliness is most at ease when i nurture it with solitude. when no other force is present i can indulge in no tasks, no friends, no comforting relatives. just me. it becomes clearer and clearer that i am never alone in my thoughts, though i feel a gutting edge when my thoughts are alone. this takes me to a daily reminder that i share very little to no similarity among my peers. and that's when isolation becomes too big to comfort.
truth is, i have never been comfortable with social obligations. the manners in which i have to behave. the answers i have to give and the smiles i feel forced to take. i almost always rebel against these contracts for i know the reasons i'm being asked to fulfill them in the first place don't interest me.
oddly enough i find people fascinating and wonderful. i want to know, i want to learn, but i know caring for others is a responsibility, and disappointments are easier to handle when they're your own. too much investment.and in turn, too much thought, too much noise. there is a tenderness to me that always wants to heal someone. almost as a filler for what i can't always do for myself. i'd much rather care from a distance and show it in a way that may not be conventional. what it does is preserves me. and in the end both parties are safe from the resentment that would usually occur if i did fall in hard. i'd rather much experience a chaos all on my own than merge it with someone else.
my mother says i am 1. barbaric - in that i don't always know how to properly assert myself in social settings, and 2. selfish for the minimal effort
but this is the mechanics of my introverted self. some of us need distance to conserve, observe, and process energy. i can turn on my charm as easy as i can turn it off, but it comes at my own volition. and i am smart enough to understand certain times call for certain falsities. i can't always scoff at the standards laid out by society when i enter the work place, for example. nor am i rude to strangers, or even cold as some would imply. there is too much warm intensity inside me for love and humanity.
anxiety spears me harder than any lonely feeling ever would. it is from judgement that i feel small and tormented. an alien pod among the regulars. but I've learned that to be alone is to be wholesome and liberated. i do not want to be stuck in empty decadence, with false niceties, and chatter that leaves me yearning for silence.
and so comes the conclusion: respect and authenticity.
my loneliness is most at ease when i nurture it with solitude. when no other force is present i can indulge in no tasks, no friends, no comforting relatives. just me. it becomes clearer and clearer that i am never alone in my thoughts, though i feel a gutting edge when my thoughts are alone. this takes me to a daily reminder that i share very little to no similarity among my peers. and that's when isolation becomes too big to comfort.
truth is, i have never been comfortable with social obligations. the manners in which i have to behave. the answers i have to give and the smiles i feel forced to take. i almost always rebel against these contracts for i know the reasons i'm being asked to fulfill them in the first place don't interest me.
oddly enough i find people fascinating and wonderful. i want to know, i want to learn, but i know caring for others is a responsibility, and disappointments are easier to handle when they're your own. too much investment.and in turn, too much thought, too much noise. there is a tenderness to me that always wants to heal someone. almost as a filler for what i can't always do for myself. i'd much rather care from a distance and show it in a way that may not be conventional. what it does is preserves me. and in the end both parties are safe from the resentment that would usually occur if i did fall in hard. i'd rather much experience a chaos all on my own than merge it with someone else.
my mother says i am 1. barbaric - in that i don't always know how to properly assert myself in social settings, and 2. selfish for the minimal effort
but this is the mechanics of my introverted self. some of us need distance to conserve, observe, and process energy. i can turn on my charm as easy as i can turn it off, but it comes at my own volition. and i am smart enough to understand certain times call for certain falsities. i can't always scoff at the standards laid out by society when i enter the work place, for example. nor am i rude to strangers, or even cold as some would imply. there is too much warm intensity inside me for love and humanity.
anxiety spears me harder than any lonely feeling ever would. it is from judgement that i feel small and tormented. an alien pod among the regulars. but I've learned that to be alone is to be wholesome and liberated. i do not want to be stuck in empty decadence, with false niceties, and chatter that leaves me yearning for silence.
and so comes the conclusion: respect and authenticity.